Monthly Archives: October 2016

October 30 Pearl

October 30

I was reading an article about grief that gave me some new thoughts to ponder:

I had my notion of grief. I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love. And you had to push through it to get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through. But, rather there is absorption, adjustment, acceptance.

Grief is not something you complete, But rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish and move on, But an element of yourself..an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new definition of self. This was written by Gwen Flowers.

We experience grief in many forms that has nothing to do with the death of a person. There are deaths of relationships. Many relationships change as we go through life, some are good changes and others not so good.

Anytime there is a change in relationship it feels like a death and grief can be overwhelming. Divorce is one such change that brings incredible grief to all involved.

Loss of jobs and other changes lead to a sense of wondering who you are apart from what you were use to.

I like this article that I quoted above because I think its healthy to let grief change us instead of trying to rush through it in order to stop the pain.

Acceptance is always the end of the grief cycle. Accepting the end result if its the loss of a relationship, job or a death. Inevitably we have to face reality and it can be overwhelming and altar our personality.

My Pearl today is that the Lord has used grief to change me and break me over time. I have surrendered and accepted each wave of grief as it washes over me. Its like submitting to the potters wheel as he molds me into a new person with each wave of pain.

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October 29 Pearl

October 29

Today I feel very irritable. I am going through what appears to be menopause. I feel like I’m going to come out of my skin. Everything, I mean everything annoys me. I have to work hard at keeping my mouth shut.

I drove downtown to Lucas Oil today to attend a marching band competition. My cousins daughter was performing. I was annoyed first that the parking lot I wanted to go to was full and then the parking lot I pulled into, well I didn’t think you’d have to pay.

But sure enough this guy who looked like he’d had too much sun, said mam’ are you wanting to park? I said, yeah, in my most annoyed voice tone, like what’s it to you!

He said, its $10.00. I said, you have to pay to park HERE? As I looked around like, seriously? With much disgust I dug out my money.

I walked around the stadium and every blankety door I tried to enter, they said you have to go around the side to get your tickets before you can enter. Seriously? I muttered a few choice words and kept walking.

The whole time I’m thinking why am I so so irritable? I wanted to ask everyone..Watch you lookin at ?

I finally paid for my ticket and to my surprise it was a whopping $20. I thought wow this place is making out with everyone’s money.

Then I get inside the stadium, every place where I want to enter into the arena, they say continue around to the other side. When I finally get to where I want to go, they won’t let me into the arena because a band was performing so I couldn’t go in and find my cousin. I had to stand there and wait until they were done. I was so frustrated by this point.

Once again I muttered some things under my breath. All the time I’m still thinking man I’ve got a problem I just need to go home and pull the covers over my head until I get my thoughts screwed on right.

I finally got to see the performances. It was amazing how each person in the band had a different part and how they were all needed in order to make one beautiful in sync performance.

I thought this must be how the Lord wants the church to work together. We are one body with many parts and if we all do what he has called us to do, we create a beautiful tapestry.

Well I’m still irritable. I’ve googled some things on menopause. I have lathered on the essential oils called clary calm that is supposed to help with hormonal irritability.

Frankly its not helping. But I shall smile and go on. This is nothing that other women haven’t encountered and lived through. I must do the same.

My Pearl today is that I’m going through some hormonal changes which will help me mature and grow in another area of my life. I can’t wait. No sarcasm there at all.

October 28 Pearl

October 28

Well today 42 years ago I came into this world. I can’t believe I’ve lived in this world for 42 years. That seems like a long time. When I reflect on my birth I see a picture of me as a 8-9 year old standing out in the cornfield.

I’m gazing across the cornstalks and watching the bright orange sun as its setting. I feel a presence in the air I can not explain. I feel sad but hopeful. I just know there is more to this world than what I’ve experienced.

I look down and kick a cornstalk that has been uprooted from the ground. I continue to pick up the corn cobs and drop them into my white five gallon bucket. My job was to pick up as much corn as I could to feed the horses.

I had to hurry because I couldn’t work beyond sunset. I wanted to feed the horses. They were my pets. Between the harvest and my horses life was peaceful. As I would gaze towards the house, I didn’t want to go home. If only I could stay in the field forever or stay outside with the horses.

The moment I stepped into the house I could feel the air and it was always unsettled.

So my birthday usually reminds of memories such as these. As I get older I become more and more reflective. I ponder things in my heart. I would never have dreamed that I would get to have the life I have today.

If only I’d known what was coming I may have handled that time better? However I think I knew there was more life out there..

My Pearl today is that I’ve lived to see and experience many things, good and bad. Its created in me a passion that is unique.

October 27 Pearl

October 27

Today heaven gained an angel and two little girls lost their mother. In the eight months that I have been with hospice this has been by far the hardest patient to care for and lose.

I know we will all die and so I’m not afraid to talk about death and its intricacies. However, when I’m well aware that my patient is leaving behind two young daughters it is much harder to process.

I could see it in her eyes at each visit, the look that said I know I’m dying, but I’m going to fight it as long as I can. In the last week she made statements about how she was done being positive and was ready to give up the fight. She didn’t survive but a couple of days after she voiced surrender.

She could no longer talk towards the end, her voice was gone, but she wrote questions and answers on a little note pad. The last thing she wrote to me, two days ago was: “Will I just go to sleep?”

Of course I’m not God and can’t say exactly how each person will spend their last hours. I responded to her question, with yes it will seem like it because you will become less aware of what is happening around you.

She did die in her sleep, in the early morning hours. I was able to make a visit later in the day and they were all doing really well. The four year old had told a visitor that they could no longer visit with mom because she had gone to heaven to visit with papa.

The stories they shared, revealed to me that I was having a harder time with the loss then they were. I was relieved. A weight was lifted as I realized the girls would be ok.

We were blessed to go to the Casting Crowns concert tonight. As I soaked up God’s presence I realized that I was crying for what makes the Lord cry. So all is well. I should cry and its a good thing.

I grew up believing that crying was bad. I think it’s appropriate in some situations. Today being one of those days. what hurts our hearts tells us alot about who we are.

My Pearl today is that my heart is soft and can grieve for what grieves God’s heart. Thank you Lord for a heart that can share other’s grief. What a blessing. It may be painful, but its a blessing.

October 26 Pearl

October 26

Today is my husbands birthday. He is a great chef so its hard for me to make anything for him. He made a great pasta sauce today.

What I could do is have it ready when he came home from working out. I made broccoli and spaghetti squash and warmed up his sauce so it was all ready for him. This was the least I could do.

Its kind of hard when your husband is a great chef. If I made a meal for him it wouldn’t necessarily be a gift. Hah.

I was blessed to have a student from Ball State with me today. As part of her clinical she was following me. Poor thing, had to hear about death and dying.

I remembered how anxious I was during clinical. The care plans were excruciating. I reflected how it felt to be vulnerable and I reassured my student that she didn’t need to worry with me because it was going to be a relaxed day for her.

I enjoyed teaching her the little bit I have learned in the short eight months of caring for patients in hospice.

I was able to see a variety of patients that gave her a good idea of hospice care.

A friend shared this verse with me today:

I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

I read the entire chapter four of Philippians’s and wow I need to mediate on this chapter. Don’t worry about anything instead pray about everything..I need this right now.

There are some unknowns with my upcoming surgery and so learning how to be content with much or little is key for me. I need wisdom to make good decisions.

My Pearl today is the Lord’s presence as I care for others who are sick. His Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path. Thank you Lord for friends who share your Word.

October 25 Pearl

October 25

Today was busy, but efficient. I love efficiency. I really dislike wasting time. I do not like spending more time doing something than is necessary.

For example when I drive by a gas station and then don’t find another before I get to my patient’s house. I get frustrated because then I either need to turn around and go back to the gas station or keep driving hoping for a place to go to the bathroom.

I never know where the next bathroom opportunity will be. I’m usually waiting for what looks like a cleaner facility to use the restroom.

Today I received a call to schedule my shoulder surgery. We discussed that I was a self pay customer and she suggested that I look into a smaller surgery center because it may be cheaper.

I feel blessed that the Lord is going before me and helping me with this process. I have a good feeling in my gut about this smaller surgery center.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was agonizing over where I would get an MRI and which doctor I would see and where I would have a surgery if I needed it. This is my first claim with this new insurance process where we pay up front and then we are reimbursed.

I’ve been apprehensive about this new process. I am anxious about the whole procedure and it seems like I shouldn’t be? I have had four neck surgeries. I’m a pro at surgeries, why the anxiety?

I’m guessing its the unknown. ? Yet, I can see where the Lord is helping me with each step, so why do I need to be anxious? Its just a crazy brain thing that I can’t seem to stop. How frustrating.

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want..he leads me beside still waters..he restores my soul…

My Pearl today is that I get to rely on the most powerful being in this world: The Lord. Thank you Jesus that I’m so screwed up that I need you because I want you. Knowing You Lord is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

October 24 Pearl

October 24

I felt like a complete failure today. I placed a catheter that immediately leaked and was NOT comfortable for the patient. I spent three hours trying to get another patient comfortable and in the end he still wasn’t comfortable to my satisfaction.

I came home and curled up in a ball and cried out to Jesus. I asked the Lord why is it so hard for me when I fail? Why is it so hard for me when I can’t help someone who needs my help?

Growing up I felt completely helpless when my dad would yell and hurt my mom and others. So now when I feel helpless I think my heart returns to that time period and I start to feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. My heart flutters and I just want to do something to help, yet I can’t.

Part of maturing is learning how to be calm and accept that I am helpless at times to help others who are under my care. When a patient is placed under my care, I take full responsibility for their comfort and if they aren’t comfortable I feel an unrest.

Tonight I heard an old song by Jars of Clay..I want to fall in love with you..can’t remember the rest of the lyrics. I use to listen to this old song over and over again when I first fell in love with Jesus. I think back to then and realize I’ve come a long way, but I still need to learn how to accept failure.

I need to learn to say, I’m sorry I can’t or couldn’t x, y, z… This is so hard for me. I want to learn to feel completely secure in who I am, while failing to be able to do the task at hand. I may be reaching for this goal the rest of my life, it seems unattainable at this time.

My Pearl today is that the Lord is teaching me through failure. His love for me is not based on my performance and come to think about it, neither is my value. Now if I can just marinate myself in this truth, it should all be good.