Monthly Archives: August 2016

August 30 Pearl

August 30

Today I had the privilege of attending a funeral of a gentleman who was a hard worker and well loved. He was admired by many and everyone was celebrating that he was going to be joined to his late wife who had passed four years ago. Everyone said he had been lost without her since she passed. How sweet.

I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of his reunion with his wife.

A funeral is always a surreal moment. The presence in the air is one of subdued peace. The body language of respect for the deceased. I love the real presence of honor and respect. It’s a calming, but sad atmosphere.

As I sat there and imagined the other side of life when he took his last breath I just can’t help but have joy in my heart. I think this is because I ponder what life after death is like with the Lord and it seems more real and joyous than anything I can imagine here on earth.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to be here, but there is something that draws me as I think of the other side. I’m sure it’s the idea of being in the Lord’s presence with no sin and shame. What a joy that must be.

My hope is to live in his joy and presence while I’m still here. This doesn’t always happen when shame has filled my life for so long that it becomes the norm. I pray that I can be free from sin and shame so I can be Jesus hands and feet to others. Shame hinders my ability to love others and let the Lord’s spirit flow through me.

I wonder what life is like when you transition to the other side..is it like a delivery room when a baby is born..the Angels are the nurses? Jesus is the Doctor? The family who has gone before them is waiting for them..throwing a baby shower?

This dynamic is very fun to think about…I could ponder it forever..and probably will until I too, take my last breath. To live is Christ and to die is gain..

My Pearl today is the ability to see a bigger picture that gives life and death special meaning. I just love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I know he is the one that gives me his perspectives and I’m really very grateful to Him for the wisdom he gives me. I have done nothing to earn it, yet he gives freely.

August 29 Pearl

August 29

Tonight I was able to attend an AA meeting. I always walk away with rich nuggets from a meeting. I’m not an alcoholic, but the principles apply to my life anyway.

I heard a couple of things that stuck with me: one person shared that when others ask how they are, they respond with good and I’m getting better. The point was that we need to strive towards improving every day, because if we aren’t moving forward we are sliding backwards.

When your an alcoholic this is most definitely not compatible with life. However, I think this principle is true no matter where you find yourself on the spectrum of life.

Another person shared that he thanks the Lord every time he starts to think about himself and how bad he has it. Over time he can see how God paints a picture of who he is suppose to be.

I saw a person at the meeting who had a disability and I pondered to myself, I wonder if he had a drunk driving accident? I mentioned this to a person who was sitting close by and he said, I think he was wounded in the war. He didn’t know the person either.

I learned something from this interaction. All of us look at others and we make an immediate judgement and isn’t it interesting how our perspectives can be so different?

I want to learn how to not judge others based on their appearance or anything for that matter. I want to learn to see everyone through Jesus’ eyes and not have any preconceived notions that I know anything about them.

My Pearl tonight is the joy of getting to attend an AA meeting. I should go more often. I must be an alcoholic and not know it, because I can relate and learn a lot from AA.

August 28 Pearl

August 28

Today my husband has been sober and clean for one year. I’m so proud of him and the hard work he has put into staying sober. I don’t struggle with alcohol, so I don’t understand it. What I do understand is the effects of alcoholism. I’m grateful that I still get to be married to my husband. Last year our marriage was over, but today it’s thriving.

We are studying a book on shame, by Christine Caine, in our small group. The study gives me a lot of good principles to ponder. One such principle: focus on what Jesus has done for you and not what has been done to you.

Shame takes your dignity from you, it leaves you feeling like something is wrong with the way you were created and your beyond repair. Shame leaves you with a feeling of being flawed forever.

The question was asked how has shame kept you from receiving love? For me, I have often felt unworthy of being loved. Like I am undeserving of love. This leads to rejecting love from others because you believe you don’t deserve to be loved.

Shame is a black hole that takes a lot of prayer to get out of. It leads to self pity and not asking for help. If we want to overcome shame we have to deal with the pain that is attached to it.

In this study the statement is made: The degree in which you are willing to embrace the pain of recovery is the degree to which you will recover. It’s up to us how hard we want to work to overcome shame.

From my experience where you find shame, you find extreme pain. Until we are willing and then able to deal with that pain, we will not fully recover.

My Pearl today is my husband and his hard work on staying on track. Also, The Lord’s provision for me to be in a group where we can grow to be better women, in spite of our history with shame.

August 27 Pearl

August 27

Last night I did play bingo and won a hat, which was good. I really wanted the stuffed elephant. A parent at the same table won one of the elephants so I was able to scan it with my Amazon app and found it on Amazon.

Today was parent orientation and the welcoming address and then a ceremony where you say goodbye to your child and they sang the school song. They handed out kleenexes! Oh boy. That did it. It gave me permission to cry.

As I watched him with his new college family I felt like I was on the outside looking in. It was a strange empty feeling. It’s a positive thing to let go of our children so they can grow up and be their own person. It’s healthy, but boy it hurts.

I brought him home from the hospital in a car seat and the next thing you know your leaving them at college with a bunch of other pimple faced, high energy teenagers. I feel so disconnected and empty.

As I was watching them go up the hill towards their dorms and the parents heading towards the parking lot it was a surreal defining moment. We just turned our child over to a college.

I saw a young girl about 6-7 years old crying her eyes out. She was doing the heaving of her chest and tears just streaming down her face as she watched the freshman walk up and away from her. I hadn’t thought of that perspective, from a sibling standpoint. This may be even harder because they don’t have the maturity to deal with the loss.

As parents we know this separation is a good thing and we would have it no other way, no matter how sad it is. I would not wish him to be at home right now. I am excited for his future.

My Pearl today is the joy in the grief of letting go. Satisfaction of a job well done as we grieve. I was so grateful my husband was there to grieve with me as we let go of our son. Thanks Honey for providing for us and loving my son as your own.

August 26 Pearl

August 26

Today has been a full day moving my son into his college dorm. My first and only child who will go to college.

Growing up Amish I missed out on high school and the typical college experience. I went to college as a working mom attending in the evening and online.

The excitement of all the students getting together, the music and the noise and did I mention the loud music. I would personally call it noise pollution, but kids seem to enjoy loud music and shouting at each other over the music.

I am definitely to old for a college dorm setting. I prefer my quiet queen size bed with my husband and fur babies.

However, I wish I would have been able to enjoy the college experience when I was a ripe young teenager with lots of energy. I don’t have the energy level even for the interaction with the all the teens. They are high energy.

I remember learning about the brain and how when we communicate to one another we are only in sync if we can match the energy level of the other person. So if one person has their attachment light on and they run at you like they know you from another life and grab you and shout hey how are you. And you have not a clue who they are and your like..eh hi. This is the supreme example of not being in sync.

The college kids are so full of excitement and energy, and rightfully so, their lives are about to change forever. It wears me out to try to get in sync with them. I do like the atmosphere of how everyone is accepting of one another and very helpful.

My son and I were bringing his things into the dorm and someone said hey can I take that for you. It was so nice.

I feel good about leaving my son at this college. I believe he will grow in a healthy way and will be challenged and grow in knowledge and character.

My Pearl today is the joy of seeing my teenager grow and do well in life. I am hopeful that I’m giving him every opportunity that I didn’t have and that makes me real happy.

August 25 Pearl

August 25

Today was an efficient day at work. I am grateful that I was able to get all my patients taken care of and tucked in tight. I will be off work tomorrow to go help my son move into his dorm at college.

I must seriously be getting old because I’m considering playing bingo with the other college parents tomorrow night. I guess I’m hoping for some good prizes, like free tuition, hah, I don’t think that is going to happen, but I can hope in one hand..

It’s been nice to have our son home for a week. Tomorrow he starts his fall semester and will be there until fall break in October.

It’s most definitely an adjustment and I see so many other parents dealing with the same thing. I wonder why mom’s have a much harder time, than dads, when their kids go off to college?

I’m guessing it’s because our identity is wrapped up in being a mom and when the kids leave we don’t feel as important anymore. We can’t take care of them anymore. I know that care taking is part of who I am.

I think having my son go off to college is going to help me find my identity in the Lord alone and not in being a caretaker.

I do look forward in seeing what the Lord will do in my son’s life and how he will grow and get to live this next chapter of his life. It’s an exciting time and although I know this and even believe it. I still feel empty inside.

It’s crazy how opposite my thoughts and feelings are from one another. I wouldn’t want my son to sit at home and not go to school, but I also am sad that he is leaving.

Strange my brain and heart.

My Pearl today is having a job where I can take care of my people and still have a day off here and there for personal time.

August 24 Pearl

August 24

Today my man started the day by making sauce for lasagna. It’s an understatement to say he is an amazing chef. I don’t know where he gets his skills, but I can tell you that my waist line is aware of his talents.

He made two lasagna’s. One to take in to a family from our church group and then one for us. He makes a special sauce which really makes the difference in the flavor of the dish. His transactions in the kitchen is an art. He whips up dishes that are hard to resist.

I took lasagna to our church family and her response after they ate it was that she wanted to know if they could hire my husband as their personal chef.

My man could definitely have been a professional chef, but then he would probably not enjoy it like he does now.

We were able to have some friends over for dinner tonight for lasagna and then I made fresh hot apple crisp from scratch. It was a great dinner with one of Christopher’s friends who he has gone to school and church with over the last years.

It’s exciting to see all his friends do well. I have great hopes for my son and his friends. I will enjoy following them on social media to see how they are growing.

My Pearl today is my husband and his manly chef skills. It sure takes a big load off of me. Thanks honey. Grateful we get to walk together.