March 12 Pearl

March 12

Well tonight was my son’s last show choir performance. They really finished strong! I have watched not just my son but all his friends change from boys and girls to men and women. It’s been a joy to watch.

I felt this knot in my stomach most of the night as I realized this was it. It’s just one more step toward him going away to college.

I can’t help but want to hold him as I use to when he was 6 months old and his little body would be limp in my arms, sleeping. I remember when he was learning to walk and how he’d run around the house and loved for us to chase him. He would giggle with glee as we would let him stay just out of reach, so he felt he was winning.

Then of course when he was in preschool and started talking like an adult. I use to get so tired of his questions, what are you doing mommy? Why mommy? Because I’m making dinner, why mommy? Because we need to eat. Why mommy? We need to eat to live. Why mommy?

After twenty questions I would finally get exasperated and say so that you can ask more questions. Usually he’d look up at me with this surprised look and quietly say oh or say nothing at all.

Now that he is all grown up, I can’t help but long for those days again. When he would look up at me with those innocent precious eyes and want to ask me lots of questions.

I always wanted him to have everything I didn’t have growing up. I can’t help but wonder did I do enough? Did I love him enough? If I knew then what I know now, I think I could have done a better job, but I didn’t know what I didn’t know.

The Pearl is that in spite of my emotional instability when he was young, he turned out to be a well rounded mature young man who loves Jesus. That is all I can hope for.


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