Monthly Archives: March 2015

Opposite of control

What is the oppostie of control, complete dependance.

I realize that as I have gone through my current neck pain situation, I have lost control in all areas of my life. I feel like I am at the mercy of my pain. I have to stop and ice or say no I can’t do x, y and z.

I feel I am at the mercy of my insurance company. I am at the mercy of my job. I am dependant upon my husband because I can’t work and take care of myself.

I learned at an early age to be independant and never depend on others because thy will hurt you. This was proven true over and over. Although I do believe that I am not in control and I am dependant upon the Lord, when this truth is tested I realize that I am still holding on to control.

Being dependant upon others and feeling helpless sets off triggers within my body, soul and mind that can not be explained in words. Lord help me to depend on you and to remember you are my authorthy and you will take care of me and watch over me.

Lord you will not allow anything to happen to me that you can’t help me get through.


Identity Crisis

I am now 40 years old and I don’t think I am going through a mid-life crisis. However, I do think I am going through an identity crisis. I can’t work right now because I have a herniated disc in my neck that is causing pain down my arm and up into my head. Its very hard to hold my head up. I didn’t know my head with this heavy? But I guess it weighs about as much as a bowling ball.

With an ungrateful attitude and thinking that chiropractic care is not going to help, I flew to Denver, CO. this week. After four days I have been able to stop taking my valium and flexeril. Both meds depress your nervous system and leads to the patient having no desire to live and no desire to get out and do anything. I have been feeling this way and did not even realize how bad it was until I stopped taking these meds. I am now so grateful and ashamedly bow before the throne of God and say Lord I am so sorry for my bad attitude please forgive me. I don’t feel I deserve to have any healing if I have such a bad attitude. Thank goodness the Lord is good no matter if we are good!

So, your wondering when am I going to talk about this so called identity crisis. Well I was thinking today about how absolutely worthless I feel because I can’t work. If my identity and my value is based on my ability to work then this is an idol. Work gives me more value than the fact that I was created by my Lord Jesus. This is so sad and I understand why I have this problem in my life. I have never learned to really love myself and value myself and be kind to myself because I was created by the Lord and for no other reason.

I should not find my value in how I look, how I feel, how others think and feel about me, how much money I have, my job status, how well my child does in school or sports…I should find my value in the Lord and Him ALONE! This is my goal to strive towards! I hope in 10 years I can say I find my value in the Lord alone. I say 10 years because its more reasonable. After finding my value in everything else, but Him for 40 years, I can’t expect to snap my fingers and shazam I get it.

I am a work in progress, lets keep coming to the throne of grace to find our help in our time of need and he will gladly and lovingly help us!

Flight of Surrender

On Monday Morning I got up at 3:30 AM to go through my Physical Therapy routine that allows me to stand up and function for at least 2 hours.

My flight was leaving Indy @ 6:40 AM, to arrive in Denver @ 7:40 AM. Denver is 2 hours behind us, it was a 3 hour flight.

Southwest does not have first class or assigned seats. I boarded the plane in the final group. They had announced it was going to be a full flight so I prayed, Lord seat me where you want me. As I stepped onto the plane, the first seat held to business men with an empty seat between them. They looked like the normal type of person and probably wouldn’t talk much, so I politely asked can I sit there, pointing to the middle seat. They both gladly invited me to sit, I was assuming they were thinking well at least she is a pretty young girl. I guess that is probably a conceited thought, nevertheless, I had the thought. Since it was a full flight, they were bound to have someone sit in between them. The look on their face was one of relief.

As I had assumed by these men’s dress and style, they did not try to make conversation with me on the entire trip and I was in the first seat so I had extra leg room!

The cabin lights went down and I was reading Susan Mead’s book, dancing with Jesus, a story about grief to grace. I don’t remember when it happened, but I noticed tears were streaming down my face. So glad the cabin lights were down and both men next to me where sleeping.

As I bowed my broken heart before the Lord, tears kept coming and I thanked him that I could cry because ten years ago I could not have cryed without loud sobbing noises. Here I was sitting in between 2 sleeping men and on a plane with many more strangers, whom I did not know. I was crying my heart out and was not even shaking. My breaths were deep, but I felt I was being cleansed as I offered up my broken heart to the Lord.

I told the Lord how betrayed I felt to take this trip to Denver, looking for someone to help me with my neck pain. I feel betrayed by my own profession. I am a RN caring for many people at my job and yet my own profession will not care for me. I didn’t become an RN to receive care, but I sure would expect it now that I can’t work. I surrendered my carreer to the Lord. I surrendered to what was happening and I accepted the position I was in.

Thank you Jesus for a cleansing cry to you. Only you can give me wisdom and heal my broken heart which sometimes I don’t even understand.

I love you Jesus, you are everything to me. If I never get to work as a RN again, I accept this possibility.

Thank you for hearing my prayers Jesus!

Your broken daughter,


Surrender leads to peace

I have been fighting my health insurance company since January 13, 2015. I was scheduled for my 4th neck surgery on January 16th. I have had excruciating pain since November 29, 2014. I have appealed two different times and both times it was still a no, saying that my MRI does not reveal a need for surgery. Although my clinical picture/symptoms do reveal a need, this insurance does not care.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to see my neurosurgeon again because as of February 20 I can no longer do my job as a bedside nurse. The last day I worked the pain became so bad I was nauseated and ended up vomiting while giving report at the end of the day. I had to call my husband to come get me.

My neurosurgeon decided we would do another MRI and submit to insurance again for a anterior fusion vs posterior. Once again on Wednesday before the Friday I was scheduled for surgery I was denied again. This time the insurance company decided to do an internal review on the neurosurgeon because they believe he is trying to do unecessary surgery. This is heartbreaking to me because not only do they not want to take care of me while I am in pain and can’t work they are even going after the only person who is hearing me, my Dr.

I feel deeply betrayed because the insurance company’s president is my employer. I feel as if they don’t believe me and they don’t value me as their employee. Our mission is to put patient care first, however I am not being cared for when I need it. I care for patients, but I can’t get care and pay 300 every two weeks to have this insurance.

After this last rejection, I have surrendered, I have cried and I have grieved, but now there is peace because I’m not going to try to make it happen anymore. If I ever get back to work and am able to stop taking the muscle relaxers, then its all up to God. I have done all I can do and I am spent. I have peace that whatever happens I will be ok.

Before I surrendered I was upset because I wanted to get this surgery done and get back to work, but now that I have worked so hard to make it happen and its not happening I give up and if I never go back to work then I just have to accept that I was allowed to be a nurse for 2.5 years and that was it. That brings a lump in my throat, but I am not in control. I worked hard for my nursing license and now I can’t work.

I feel grief and deep sadness, but there is peace in the surrender after you give up what you want.

Is Christ enough

I was denied a third time for a neck surgery I need. I can’t work and so my options are getting very limited. 10 grand is a lot of money for a surgery, which is the self pay price if I want to have the surgery without insurance coverage.

What is money worth if I can’t work and I’m in pain. How much is your quality of life worth? I would have to say its worth more than 10 grand, however, if you have more expenses than money the math does not reveal positive numbers.

As I have been unable to work I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord seeking his face, asking him what he is up to. I find myself humbled by a question..

Do I come to the Lord because I want to be with him or is it just because I need something from him? It seems I talk to him a lot less when life is going ok. Why is this? If I want to be close to him and build a relationship with him as I do my friends and family, then why don’t I carve out time for him when all is well?

I think the sad answer is that I want what the Lord can offer me: his peace, his yes answers to my problems, money to pay for things we need…etc The list goes on.

Do I really care just about being with the Lord and getting to know him? Do I use him for when things are not going well?

Shouldn’t I have peace and love Jesus no matter if my circumstances are good or bad?

Like a good solid father/daughter relationship, you just want to be with your dad because no matter how bad it gets, as long as he is with you, then you know you will be ok. Isn’t this the way it should be with our Lord?

Lord I pray that you will help me to want you for only you and that you are enough for me. I want to have peace because you are with me and you love me and I want you because you want me. Help me to see you as my loving daddy that is always going to make things ok in the end.

I trust you Dad!
Your daughter
Willie J